April 28, 2021

  • Sweepstakes Winner

    In March, some people were encouraged to use their apps to enter a contest to get sweet Peeps-flavored cola drinks in custom designer cans from Pepsi. Unlike most people who responded, I did that thing that I believe the law requires of any contest runner: I used my flippy 4G phone to illuminate an index card in order to create an old-fashioned write-in entries (limit 2 per person). How does one get selected out of a pool of InstaSnaps? I don't know either. But when only me and Granny McPhee's four write-ins are put into that re-purposed Bingo tumbler, I am running a solid 50/50.

    Until I win. Then it is all 100% bliss:

    Chicken Dinner

    They even threw in a package of those rancid Yellow Peeps.

    I haven't opened the pink or blue can yet, but I had to share that yellow bastard with people nearby. It tastes like those colored marshmallows I had access to as a lil' tot. In this day and age of no artificial stuff in the food, I am not sure if green and blue marshmallows exist anymore. But they did once, and they tasted just like this pop starts. The mid-range gains a peep (pun int.) of cola flavor. The finish is complete mental confusion. You should not want to take another tiny sip, but you will. By the end of the can, I was convinced that this is a viable seasonal product. Some chick might pair her Skinny booze with it instead of eating cake. Of course, it ain't no Baja Blast, my favorite seasonal pop--because fuck going into a Taco Bell.

    Things I still cannot properly buy at a non-ludicrous prices: handgun ammunition, rifle ammunition; computer motherboards, chips, video cards, RAM; tackle boxes, organizer boxes; rifle parts, rifles; and until recently, lightweight outer-layer vests

    I have recently been scouting estate sale announcements. I do not expect to find the things listed above at these sales, but I am looking for deep-discount padlocks out of old farm barns and tool sheds. So far, my lock-picking skills have defeated every padlock found in my residence. I am cautiously excited about an upcoming farm sale in May with this line item: 75 padlocks. There is a separate line item that, no-shit, reads: hundreds of keys. God, I hope those keys are all the padlock keys along with every other key this farmer ever owned all jumbled in an ice cream bucket. If that is the case, I am the sole bidder, buying me 75 pickables for pennies--not on-the-dollar, just pennies. I want to buy 50lbs of steel and brass in the shape of 75 padlocks for pocket change. Or $5. I will give them $5, if necessary.

    Also, I have sent away for extra tensioners, using at least six different ones for successful opens. But as far as my picks/rakes, there can be only ONE:

    Short-HookThe short hook.

    (Props to the Internet for the picture. I couldn't be bothered to find and shoot my own.)