February 23, 2024

  • The one I owed

    I enjoy two grocery store items that are not constantly available. First is Count Chocula. It was completely phased out with all the other Monster cereals some time after General Mills went "whole grain" to keep the thin veneer of "healthy" applied to their sugarbombs. They were gone for years. Recently, there has been a resurrection of the Monster Cereals during the Halloween season. And lo, the multitudes rejoiced!

    Less reliably forecast is the canning and shelving of Baja Blast. Fuck Toxic Hell and their grease-flavored sand. So when Baja isn't on the grocery shelf, it doesn't exist in my world. Well, guess what is back on the menu! I picked up two sleeves this morning while I was buying lox for my bagel run. I unloaded one into the mini-fridge that is easily accessible to my work surface. The other will be chilling in the coolness of the garage where the temperature reliably hovers in the 40s most of the winter. The speed bag is a little stiff to hit at those temperatures, but we can't have it all, all the time.

    I took off next Friday afternoon to catch a movie, on the principle of it. Not the movie, but cutting out early on a Friday. I need to do this more often.

    Something I need to do more often: Drink scotch The Balvenie. I found a Balvenie 12 year single barrel, numbered 81 of 300 in case 19038. I have been in mourning since Balvenie discontinued their 10 year, seemingly in favor of the 12 year DoubleWood. That double cask wasn't bad, but that 10 year was perfect price point in the low $30s. I've since tried the 14 year Caribbean run cask by Balvenie, but it didn't move me. I guess they have a French Oak 16 and a Portwood 21, but I haven't seen them in person (not that I've been searching). But this 12 year single barrel really takes me back to that 10 year of my Indiana and Miami years. I am not enjoying this out of nostalgia, though. I am straight grooving on the flavor profile. Yummy, warm in my tummy. For the old Simpson's fans, enjoy that Balvenie Maltings is located in Dufftown.

    So here is the line-up I long ago typed, in response to food chains dead to me (and lost to a misbehaving internet browser interface), recreated in spirit, if not identical form, including the original follow up request by Cyrus: Which fast food chains are on the bubble? Which chains are still alive and well?

    Add to DEAD TO ME: Outback. So dead I forgot it existed. If still in business, put Papa Johns on there, too. Worst pizza, ever. White Castle also sucks my ass.

    Food chains on the bubble:

    Burger King in on life support. I cannot imagine a scenario where I will choose to walk into one or drive up to a window. The one nearest to my residence is an especially poorly run establishment. The one that was closer was torn down to build a car-servicing business. The one closer to me than both is now a one-off Mexican joint with a perpetually empty parking lot that I though would fail, but post-Covid has show some parking lot life. I might have a Burger King if I am back on Ibiza some day. Only for late night convenience if I'd been eating local for a few weeks. And I am on the wrong end of the island (San Antonio).

    Marco's Pizza is like a pizza leper to me currently. Something in their sauce. Supposedly they have great ingredients, blah, blah. While I am not a fan of most pizza crusts these days, Marco's isn't going to win on that column, either. Even 2 for Tuesdays isn't enough to entice me.

    TCBY and I have not crossed paths in probably a decade. When it first came out, the quality was so good. Now, I think all self-serve frozen yogurt places have raced to the bottom. I think the closest TCBY to me is on the other side of the county. Maybe they are out of business.

    Five Guys rarely lives up to the hype. I imagine when the founding family was cooking, the quality was at the level to impress. Now if you want a dry burger in a brown bag with some middling french fries, but you need way over pay, Five Guys is the place! I would throw in a jab at the wait times, but I have been skipping Five Guys for years.

    Cinnabon can right fuck off, but I've only had it once, in an airport, and it was my best option at the time. So not dead to me, but there have to be some extreme circumstances for me to step up to that counter.

    Chipotle Mexican Grill. I will defer if my social group insists, assuming there isn't something next door I can substitute. Everything about that place is screaming food poisoning, and those stupid "making a cauldron of the shitty green stuff with a giant spoon" commercials don't allay my concerns.

    Little Caesars should be dead to me. Hot and Ready is the ONLY thing that keeps them occasionally in the game. And if you ask me immediately after eating their product, yes, I would be interested in firebombing their locations to end the scourge. Does that hyperbole enough to put this never-visited blog going on a government watch-list now?

    Jersey Mikes does the best job for chain deli sandwiches, but $20 per sub has discouraged me as of late. Not to mention their proprietary pop options absolutely don't move the needle.

    KFC. Is. Disgusting. You are forced to eat the chicken skin to get the flavor of the Original Recipe, which is the ONLY reason to want to eat that chicken in the first place. With the GMO Super Rotisserie Chickens available at Costco for $5, KFC would be dead in the water if they didn't also have biscuits. I know it can't be only me who notices this, and please tell me if any of you know the answer, but why do KFC chicken pieces have the bones of an 89 year old woman after walking a gauntlet of big-leaguers taking practice riffs with weighted bats? Shattered. Without fail. Is that the supplier contract? "We want a 50% discount for shattered-bone chickens, and we only want discounted chickens." But sometimes you are sick of everything else and it might be paired with same-building Taco Bell (where you can get Baja Blast).

    Arby's won't ever completely die, unless. Unless they pull curly fries and jamocha shakes. I'm still getting my sandwich from a different, nearby place. They used to have a hot ham and swiss, but they killed that. And that was the only sandwich from Arby's that I could choke down.

    Biggby Coffee is laying at the bottom of the grave and I've started dumping dirt on top. They are straight trash. But I could see being some imaginary place where there was a huge line at the only other coffee place and I wasn't going to stand in line to get fucking coffee of all things. Because fuck standing in line.

    Long John Silver's was dead to me when they went to the "healthier" no-trans fat oil.  Years later, I dug that zombie up. The chicken planks are the only thing I order when I drive to the window. NEVER go inside, if avoidable. Unless your Jheri Curl needs a grease infusion. The thick, heavy air will smooth ashy elbows. Good therapy for your leather coat.

    Wing Stop is another place I will put in an order to get along with the group. I don't live really close to one. If I lived a block or two away, I might have it more. I've never ate their wings, then afterward said, "Damn fine meal that was!" I am usually just short of regret.

    Chick-fil-A is a one-trick pony whose trick I don't want. I will have a grilled chicken sandwich, but I don't want any of their sugar-sauces. All their menu has is blah chicken covered in sugar-sauce. And once again, fuck waiting in line. These places always have a back-up and there is no payoff at the end of the rainbow.

    Noodles and Company skimps on the serving sizes. Otherwise, I might be a bigger fan.

    Red Robin. If this is in the first three suggestions of where to go to lunch, I don't need to eat lunch with you.

    Anything with a name that starts with "Taco". I don't like tacos. I will eat a burrito. Your "Taco" place better not be a one-tricker, because I will dump the grave dirt on your face. Then finish with 3 yards of concrete. Your food joint doesn't avoid this rule with an obnoxious "El" or "Del" in front of the "Taco".

    Jack in the Box. I don't even live on the West Coast, but that place in an emergency only if I have a full dose of antibiotics and a ready-to-go cocktail to remove heavy metals from my system. Likely only if I need to take cover there during an extended gun battle standoff/hostage situation.

    Hooters. There is nothing but garbage on this menu. And this ain't 1992. If any of these are still active (I am looking at you Port of Miami), the "talent" is not worth the price of floating bags of ice beer pitchers. Better off going to that place where the talent is wearing the extra short kilts. Tony and I went to one in Indy once, if I remember correctly.

    Denny's had the crypt door closed around 2000 because it was one of the only places to eat at my over-night job. The convict ratio in the kitchen didn't help. But because of visiting family, I was forced back into the Coral Gables location in the early 2010s. It wasn't a buster, so I guess I am not completely against it in theory. Rather hit a truckstop diner any given morning, and I will never be in a Denny's after 11am.

    Dickey's Barbecue Pit. There is no reason to go there if there is one of those parking lot barrel grill rigs set up anywhere in your metro area.

    Village Inn. It wasn't that great in college. Still isn't. Rarely even think about ordering from here.

    Cold Stone is a one-trick pony that wasn't that cool in the first place. Their trick requires that all their ice cream be extra gummy. Not a flattering texture for ice cream. If I want shit spun into my ice cream, I'll get a Blizzard. Regular ice cream shops have cake batter flavor and cheesecake flavor ice cream, too.

    Current Active Lineup: Jet's Pizza (Detroit-style only), McDonalds (for Sausage McMuffin with Egg, only), Panera Bread (not often, but not against it, I get even at the coffee dispensers), Smashburger, Big Boy (had first encounter in 20 years just before Christmas and pleasantly surprised, served by 70% Zendaya), Culver's (was on the downturn, but I've refined my ordering parameters to improved outcomes), Einstein Bros. Bagels (only able to access while traveling), Popeyes (warily, if traveling), Hardees (again, only when traveling as none are nearby), Firehouse Subs (none nearby), Waffle House (for the gun play and domestic assault), Dairy Queen (ESPECIALLY if it is one of those original shacks that sell hot dogs and hamburgers; Blizzards are always Top Shelf), Au Bon Pain (when in a city that has one), Whataburger (none nearby), Starbucks (occasionally for sugar mochas or fall specialty flavors). Are there any A&Ws left? If so, I'd eat at one. I guess that covers most of the chains.